This week I've been writing about social networks - who we need (and don't need) around us for a supported, healthy and fulfilled life. But it's also interesting to consider how many relationships we can actually sustain and what form these take. The anthropologist Robin Dunbar suggests only 150 due to the size, relative to the body, of the neocortex – the part of the brain associated with cognition and language – which is linked to the size of a cohesive social group. This ratio limits how much complexity a social system can handle. You can read more in a great BBC Future article by clicking on the image below.
(Image credit: Emmanuel Lafont)
This 150, according to the theory, has different types of relationships within it: the tightest circle has just five people – loved ones. That’s followed by successive layers of 15 (good friends), 50 (friends), 150 (meaningful contacts), 500 (acquaintances) and 1500 (people you can recognise). So, if you want new people in your life, others have to go. Perhaps then, part of our socialisation needs to be learning how to shed unwanted relationships sensitively and in a timely fashion? Certainly if people are detrimental to us, we need to be able to recognise this, assert our boundaries, and find ways to mitigate their negative impact on our lives. Should we be teaching children (and adults) how to do this?
In my workshops and coaching I get participants and clients to think about their social world as a biosphere with the air that they breathe affected by the health or toxicity of those around them; this helps them to visualise the importance of a range of people but also the importance of recognising when certain people are "pollutants" - another way to think about this is the metaphor of "drains" and "radiators" (see an extract from my workbook below). Then we discuss what can be done about this, particularly when they can't just cast them from their lives. Much of this work is about boundaries and re-framing: often mindset work can help to reveal the positive qualities in people, and work on boundaries, beliefs and behaviour can help shift our own patterns so that people behave quite differently towards us. This helps to "change the dance."
But back to network size. Other factors to consider are personality type - Dunbar suggests that extroverts may have more friends in their close social circle - and also the way in which online social worlds relate to this theory. According to some, this number remains the same online, with people coming and going and huge Tik Tok followings just part of the people you can recognise. The social landscape is changing but are we? Is there are generational divide here or are we still ultimately humans with a human sized capacity for bonding?
Tell me, what's your experience with this personally or in your place of work? How have you learned to negotiate different relationships in your social world? What would have helped you negotiate them more easily?
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