Women still need men and here are just some of the reasons why
It is a truth generally acknowledged that a western woman is no longer in need of a man. Thanks to Faucett, Pankhurst and pals us gals in the United Kingdom have had the vote since 1918. Even the ones without wealth or husbands have enjoyed this right since 1929. Thanks to the women in Dagenham and Barbara Castle, we’ve been enjoying apparently equal rights and pay in the workplace since 1970, though Samira Ahmed’s recent case against pay discrimination at the BBC certainly challenges that idea. Regardless, we can travel the world, get a mortgage, even have babies on our own. Everything men can do, we can do (better).
But even a western woman does need things from men. Because most of the owners of Club Success are men. As are the managers, the bouncers, and the majority of the clientele. They decide the dress code, whose face fits, who gets in queue jump, who gets in for free, and once in who gets to the VIP area, who gets free drinks and what kind. They decide who waits in line in the rain desperately pleading with the bouncer to let them, who gets turned away at the door.
The dress code is an aesthetic of seriousness, the default silhouette male. Polished. The one in one out policy for women means that those who get inside are faced with a grey sea of professionalism. Maybe these women are novel for a while, maybe they like this. Maybe the feeling of being an imposter in this grey suited world is tough to overcome, maybe they’re lonely or struggle to break through the grey wall. Maybe the bar is too high to get a drink, even wearing such ridiculously painful high heels, or maybe no one asks her what she wants, or ignores her when she asks. Maybe there’s no one like her to explain how this grey world works or to tell about the fact that that guy over there just touched her inappropriately.
Imagine instead - humour me here - one line. No dress code, no cultural fit. No VIP area full of people making decisions about those outside without having any idea about their perspectives or needs. Imagine people in the queue jump line stopping and saying, ‘Hey, I like your unique style, come on in.’ Or those already inside looking out and exclaiming ‘Damn this grey world!’ and throwing open the doors to colour. Or even just noticing the girl trying to get a drink at the too high bar whilst swatting off sexual advances from the grey mass to her left and going and asking how he could help her to get a drink, or even better how they might redesign the bar so that she, and those like her, can get their own drinks.
The system is designed for default man and therefore serves him best; and strangely enough, he doesn’t want to change it. On the whole, he doesn’t even want to acknowledge it.
And as he sweeps into the club, he ignores or fleetingly pities those outside: he has worked hard to get there and they, in contrast, just haven’t made the cut. Once inside he doesn’t necessarily notice those struggling to navigate its corridors and spaces: he’s too busy. He might not even notice that it’s grey in there. That everyone thinks, looks and behaves the same way and when they make big important decisions about money and politics and medicine and law, they think mainly of those around them. The feeling of familiarity, of superiority, is comforting and safe; but it is also limiting and dangerous, to those inside and out. Keep saying the right things, wearing the right things, thinking the right things. Keep striving. Keep working. Keep buying. Keep being in the club and if it feels uncomfortable, just consume more.
The club is broken. It is too influential, too flawed.
Post-feminism and neoliberalism tell us all that our personal ambition will lead us to success. Lean In. But what does success mean? At what cost? This is not a women’s issue: this is a humanity issue. Because the system and those in charge of it keep propagating a mindset that is failing to creatively and collaboratively address the huge challenges that we face as inhabitants of a fragile earth. Those with wealth and power retreating to an ever more exclusive club will only make this worse. They need to remember that a power imbalance exists and address the vulnerability. The need to act with empathy, compassion and responsibility.
Women remain vulnerable and remain in need of men: if they have a ‘conventional’ family, they need partners who are supportive of them returning to work and who undertake their share of the care burden; they need managers who are supportive of them often juggling huge demands at home, as well as work; they need colleagues who are supportive when men speak over them in meetings or take their ideas as their own; they need bosses who are supportive in mentoring them, promoting them, and paying them what they deserve; they need men who fight their own unconscious biases. They need supportive men who sit next to them on the tube and pretend to know them when they are being harassed by strangers; they need supportive men who call out trolling on twitter.
This does not make women weak and dependent, it does not make women to blame. It acknowledges a system that relies on incorrect and unhelpful stereotypes that breed unconscious bias, a system that relies on a majority of women to work for free to raise children or look after elderly relatives, a system which demands women look and perform in certain ways and a system that punishes them if they don’t. Women can take responsibility by educating themselves and by finding solidarity; but while the majority of decision makers are men, women still rely on them. Whether you are won over by the business case, the ‘I have a wife/daughter/sister/niece’ case, or the simple old fairness case, women need men and boys to be allies to them and that starts by asking questions, listening and acting on what women tell you about their experiences. Everyone benefits when a society is more equal, a gender is central to this.
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