"The most important relationship we can all have is the one you have with yourself, the most important journey you can take is one of self-discovery. To know yourself, you must spend time with yourself, you must not be afraid to be alone. Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom."
Aristotle (a modern paraphrase)
It might seem a little counter-intuitive that I start all my relationships work - workshops, coaching, training, consultancy - by focusing on the individual. But as Aristotle understood all those years ago, our relationship with ourselves is central to everything, and without self-reflection and self-knowledge, we cannot enjoy healthy relationships. It's like when the air steward tells you to put your own gas mask on first: you've got to sort yourself out before you can hope to be of much use to others.
In his works like Nicomachean Ethics Aristotle discussed the importance of understanding oneself through self-reflection as part of achieving eudaimonia (flourishing or living a fulfilling life). Knowing oneself helps one make choices that align with moral and intellectual virtues.
Becoming self-aware is a process of understanding your thoughts, emotions, values, and behaviors to align them with your goals and values. Aristotle’s teachings on self-awareness can be paired with modern insights to create a practical guide for cultivating this essential skill. Notice the verbiness* of this - it's an active process which means we can all get good at it if we decide to and keep practising.
Here’s how:
1. Engage in Self-Reflection
Aristotle’s Insight: Reflecting on one’s life and choices is essential for cultivating virtue and practical wisdom (phronesis).
Practice: Set aside time daily or weekly to think about your actions, decisions, and their outcomes. Journaling is a helpful tool for capturing and analysing your thoughts and feelings.
I splashed out on a beautiful journal from Papier (they're currently on sale - go on, treat yourself).
2. Seek Feedback from Others
Aristotle’s Insight: True friendships help us understand ourselves, as friends act as mirrors, showing us who we are.
Practice: Ask trusted friends, family, or mentors for honest feedback about your behavior and personality. Be open to their perspectives and use them to uncover blind spots. Not always easy, but hopefully they've done my training on delivering feedback constructively!
3. Identify Your Core Values
Aristotle’s Insight: Living virtuously means acting in alignment with one’s highest principles and striving for the Golden Mean.
Practice: List the values you consider most important (e.g. honesty, kindness, perseverance). Reflect on whether your daily actions align with these values. If they don’t, consider why and how you can make changes. Look out for my upcoming post on working out your core values.
4. Practice Mindfulness
Aristotle’s Insight: Awareness of the present moment and exercising reason help in making virtuous choices.
Practice: Use mindfulness techniques like meditation, deep breathing, or simply paying attention to your thoughts and emotions without judgment. This helps you observe your internal state and understand how it affects your actions.
5. Examine Your Emotions
Aristotle’s Insight: Emotions are neither inherently good nor bad; they must be understood and moderated to act virtuously.
Practice: When experiencing strong emotions, pause and ask yourself: What am I feeling? Why am I feeling this way? Is this emotion based on reality, or am I making assumptions? How can I respond in a way that aligns with my values?
6. Develop Practical Wisdom
Aristotle’s Insight: Self-awareness requires not just knowledge but also the ability to apply it in real-life situations.
Practice: Start small by analysing your decisions and identifying patterns. Consider the outcomes of your choices—what worked, what didn’t, and why. Over time, this builds practical wisdom.
7. Embrace Solitude
Aristotle’s Insight: Solitude allows for deep contemplation and self-discovery, essential for understanding oneself.
Practice: Spend time alone without distractions (e.g. no phone or media). Use this time to think about your aspirations, your identity, and your personal growth.
My husband wishes he could have more solitude; the kids and I keep following him around.
8. Be Open to Growth
Aristotle’s Insight: Self-awareness is not a one-time achievement but a lifelong process of becoming.
Practice: Accept that self-awareness evolves as you grow. Revisit your reflections, values, and goals regularly to ensure they remain relevant to your life. Put a yearly review in your calendar.
In Book IX of Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle asserts that true friendship is based on mutual virtue and self-knowledge. A person must know and love themselves before they can genuinely know and love another.
So go get yourself a beautiful journal and some daily space to write in it as a Christmas present to yourself or someone you love (or don't but you need them to take a good look at themselves for your sake and theirs); I promise it’ll be worth it.
And if you think you or people around you could do with some help starting and building a self-awareness habit, then do follow me on instagram or subscribe to my website and get in touch to discuss how I can help.
Ellie
*verbiness is a made-up word, which is allowed because I'm an English teacher.
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