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Why Relationships Matter (and why we need to get good at them)




On the final day of their Upper Sixth year, students at a London school where I worked would ‘Muck Up’ the school. Despite apocryphal stories of great wit and ingenuity from previous years, generally involving PETA wincing feats with animals or weed killer for phallically decorating the new lawn, most years’ juicy creativity was more raisin than grape. On several occasions students released stink bombs - not in the staff common room or spaces belonging to those who’d somehow wronged them - but in their own common room. I watched from the safety of my fishbowl office as disgusted adolescents evacuated, heart wrenchingly separated from their cup of coffee/dynamic dialectic on Love Island/game of chess (yes, it was that kind of school) by the heady stench of egg and betrayal. It always struck me as unfortunate that a/ that was the best that these pesky rogues could concoct (considering the staggering number of Oxbridge places among them) and b/ they would choose to pollute their own air, their own biosphere with such wanton disregard for their peers - and themselves.


Now, no longer a war-weary teacher, but a relationship coach, I see the parallels between this literal pollution of air and the many incremental ways in which they often polluted the relationships within their own social space, those relationships which potentially offered support, growth and joy. Many would claim that they enjoyed good relationships whilst at school and I know many remain friends; but many others, some of whom I interviewed for an MA dissertation, reflected on the lack of openness, kindness and connection - with hierarchies, power and status seemingly more important. Banter, larks and one upmanship were the communication currency predominantly traded.


Why was this? And did it actually matter? Obviously I think so and I hope that you will too by the end of this article.



The Bit Where I Convince You and Arm You With Some Facts


“If you think only of yourself, if you forget the rights and well-being of others, or, worse still, if you exploit others, ultimately you will lose. You will have no friends who will show concern for your well-being. Moreover, if a tragedy befalls you, instead of feeling concerned, others might even secretly rejoice. By contrast, if an individual is compassionate and altruistic, and has the interests of others in mind, then irrespective of whether that person knows a lot of people, wherever that person moves, he or she will immediately make friends. And when that person faces a tragedy, there will be plenty of people who will come to help.”
The Dalai Lama

Relationships are…


How did your brain just finish this sentence? ‘Vital’? ‘Tricky’? ‘Messy’? ‘Wonderful’? ‘Supportive’?


Whatever came into your head is probably apt. Relationships, the connection between two people, come in numerous forms with a wide array of challenges and benefits, according to the people and the context. What cannot be disputed is the importance they hold and the fact that it is very difficult to escape them. There are, as of 2023, over 8 billion people in the world and we are wired to seek and need connection: as social scientist Brené Brown explains,


“A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all men, women, and children. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong.”

We are social beings who need connection but we’re often disconnected, lonely. We need to seek healthy, supportive relationships out, even if they have caused us distress in the past. Here are just some of the reasons why…



Longevity


Blue Zones are the five areas in the world where more people live to 100 than anywhere else. Want to know why? Researchers have discovered 9 reasons: Obviously diet, fitness etc matters, but more interesting is the fact that social connection is also key. We are happiest and healthiest when part of a community, even if that involves challenges. As the pandemic - and a raft of research shows - loneliness is really bad for people.





Physical, psychological and emotional wellbeing


Connection is key. A good relationship is balanced and helps both people. Knowing we matter to someone “gives us strength – a sense that we can tolerate being vulnerable and deal with challenges,” explains Dr Sue Johnson, a relationship researcher of more than thirty years. In fact, research suggests that concern for others, or otherishness (Grant 2013), is as much a part of human nature as selfishness (Shaver et al. 2010). ‘People are psychologically constructed in such a way that giving to others can be rewarding despite its obvious material costs, and selfishness can be costly despite its immediate material benefits.’ ('Social Motivation: Costs and Benefits of Selfishness and Otherishness' p. 20).

Yet childhood trauma at the hands of those around them is still heart-breakingly common. The CDC and Kaiser Permanente surveyed over 17,000 participants (a cross section of average Americans) between 1995-1997, and followed them for over 15 years. Researchers suspected that trauma in childhood was linked to adult conditions such as obesity. They designed the study to score how many ‘types’ of traumatic events (from a list of 10) participants had experienced as children.

The numbers are shocking.

They found that the more ACEs, the higher the incidence of mental, emotional, and behavioral problems for participants in adulthood.

People with ACE scores of 4 or higher were:

  • Twice as likely to smoke

  • 12 times more likely to attempt suicide

  • 7 times more likely to be alcoholic

  • 10 times more likely to inject street drugs

High ACE scores are linked with higher rates of violent behavior, failed marriages, depression and absences from work, reports Jane Ellen Stevens of Aces Too High.



Job success and satisfaction


"For humans to thrive, companies need to double down on programs and human applications that enhance trust, appreciation, respect, gratitude, autonomy, and equity."
White Paper: The Future of Work is Human

According to Daniel Goleman in his renowned book 'Emotional Intelligence', 80% of success at work is determined by Emotional Intelligence (EQ) while only 20% stems from ordinary intelligence (IQ). Studies have proven the link between emotional intelligence and career success, job performance, and stronger mental health. ‘Emotionally intelligent employees are able to reduce negative job outcomes and experience a positive emotional state because of their job evaluations.’ It is this skill which also allows us to build connections and negotiate work relationships.


Research also suggests that being in a supportive, emotionally intelligent culture is more powerful for motivation than extrinsic factors such as money. (Spoiler, people choose it over free pizza).


So, as you can see, healthy relationships matter because humans need meaningful connections to thrive - in all areas of their lives. But, being emotionally intelligent and good at relationships isn't that easy, I hear you cry. I know, hence why I train people in the necessary skills: it's a life's work but here is as good a place to start as any.


And to those students who are already plotting for next year’s leavers’ day, just remember: try not to pollute your patch.



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